How to Gain the Skill of Confidence

What do all successful people have in common? It doesn’t matter what industry they are in or where they are from, I’ve interviewed hundreds of successful people from all walks of life and all of them possess these 3 qualities: Unwavering courage, insurmountable confidence, and contagious positive energy.

Of those three the most difficult skill is confidence. For some reason along history people decided that you are either born with confidence or not, but that’s not true. Confidence is a skill and just like any skill, it can be learned.

I was one of those people who thought I wasn’t born with confidence since I was the shyest girl in middle school. I was too shy to raise my hand in class or ever speak up. It wasn’t until I realized that this would be the defining factor that would hold me back from achieving everything I ever dreamt so I started to study confidence.

How come some people have it and others don’t. That’s when I learned how to “hack” the game of confidence. Today I’m no longer that shy girl, I’m a top-rated professional speaker, influencer for global 500 brands, best-selling author, public speaking coach, and Founder & CEO of Women Empower X. If it wasn’t for the confidence I had in myself I wouldn’t be able to have achieved any of this. I believe confidence is imperative to grow in any career and if you don’t work on cultivating it every single day, you are missing out on huge wins in your growth both personally and professionally.

Over the last decade of my career I’ve researched and developed the five key ways on how anyone can gain the skill of confidence.



Have you ever played an instrument or sport? If so, think about the first time you played the instrument or sport, you probably weren’t that confident heading out to the field or performing for someone. Then think about the 50th time you played, probably a little more confident. We’ve been told “practice makes perfect” in our hobbies and sports growing up but really it’s repetition that breeds confidence which helps you play a better game or create better music. So if you are not confident in one area of your life, for example public speaking, then you must repeatedly do the act of public speaking. Repetition breeds confidence.



We all know challenges are part of life, yet the unknown challenges create fear that holds so many back from discovering their full potential. What we forget is that we have the power to adapt. Being adaptable is so powerful and a gamechanger when it comes to your level of confidence. Knowing that if you take a risk and step outside of your comfort zone and it may not work out as you intend, but you can always adapt, it will fuel you with the confidence to take that needed risk. Focus on the things you do have control over and all those other things you don’t have control over, know you have the power to adapt to always find a way to move forward.



If you were to close your eyes and think about the last time you felt really great about yourself, just super confident in your own skin, where were you at that moment? Who were you with? Most likely, if you really think back to times you were able to be your authentic self, you were near people you felt comfortable with. Whether its your family, your best friends or co-workers, when you are surrounded by a community who supports you, you’ll be more confident to pursue your big dreams and goals. This is something we can control, find your community and foster those relationships. Next time you’re headed into a big interview, audition, or new venture, if you can’t bring a person from your community with you, call them up and have them give you the pep talk needed to nail it! Knowing that even if you don’t succeed there are people by your side that will be there for you no matter what, is a needed ingredient to gain confidence.



How good does it feel when you cross things off your never-ending to do list? It feels great, like you are moving forward and conquering the world! It doesn’t matter if the task was to just make your bed, that little action step will fuel you to take more action that day. Action fuels your level of confidence as the more you achieve the more confident you’ll be in yourself and you’ll start to ask for what you deserve in your career. Continue to take action steps every single day and watch your level of confidence soar.


Trusting oneself

The last key to building confidence is trusting yourself. I used to deal with so much “FOMO” (fear of missing out) that I never was truly able to enjoy the present of where my decisions took me. I always feared I was missing out on something better and therefore was telling myself I didn’t trust myself to make the right decisions for me. This is a recipe for disaster as you must be your biggest cheerleader in life and especially in the game of confidence. A system I’ve created that helps me trust myself with making the right decision in my personal and professional life is defining the opportunity cost with each decision made. For example, if my friends invite me out one night to a concert but I have a big speaking gig in the morning, while I’d choose to stay home to get some sleep or prep, I’d be hit with that awful feeling of FOMO and not truly be able to concentrate on my work. But, if I put an opportunity cost to each decision, then I am more confident in why I chose to stay home. The opportunity cost of not going to the concert would be pretty low because while I’d have a great experience with friends, it’s not going to change my life if I didn’t go but the opportunity cost of not staying home and prepping for the next day, is a much higher opportunity cost as there’s more on stake there for my career and future. Being confident in your decisions and trusting yourself is necessary to not only gaining confidence but finding success and joy in life.


The biggest thing to reminding yourself is that confidence is situational and while there may be certain situations where you don’t feel that confident, that does not mean you are not a confident person, you just need to gain the skill of confidence in that area of your life. You can do that through repetition, adaptability, community, action and trusting yourself. Confidence is a lifelong journey and the more you focus on cultivating this skill the more it will show up for you in your life in all areas. Know you have what it takes inside of you, and if you ever need a reminder, look back at all you’ve been through and overcame, if you’ve done that you can tackle whatever else may come your way.


Sidebar: The Confidence Spectrum

While researching confidence I developed a metric for how to define your level of confidence in different situations called, The Confidence Spectrum™. On one side of the spectrum you are dependent of the opinion of others and on the other side you are independent of the opinion of others. Interviewing hundreds of diverse people I’ve discovered that most people lie closer to the dependent side of the spectrum in more areas of their life. They are more worried about what others think than what they think of themselves. The goal is to get closer to the dependent side of the spectrum in more areas of your life. This research led me to discovering a powerful truth about confidence and that is that confidence is situational. So many times people consider themselves as a person that isn’t confident but that’s not possible. You may not be confident in many areas of your life but there is at least one place, maybe it’s at home with your kids or hanging out with your friends, where you do feel confident. Figuring out situations where you feel confident and then noticing the details of that moment to discover why you feel confident is the first step to applying those things to situations where you aren’t as confident in order to move yourself closer to the independent side of The Confidence Spectrum™.

Timeline: 5 Steps

When you repeatedly do an act, you’ll become more confident in that situation because repetition breeds confidence.

Fear is inevitable, but listening to that fear is a choice. To help gain the courage to do it in spite of the fear, remember you always have the power to adapt.

When you feel supported you become more empowered to take bigger risks. That empowerment will fuel your level of confidence to achieve more in your life and career.

When you take action, big or small, you feel empowered to take another action step. These small action steps instill confidence because you are achieving things meaningful to you.

Trusting Oneself
When you listen to your own heart and intuition, and make decisions based on that, you start to take ownership of your life. That in itself is one of the most powerful ways to build confidence.